Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
