Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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