So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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