Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
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