you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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