Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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