tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
