My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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