I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My breasts were aching with rage.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
