I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
