She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
