i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
