ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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