Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
