Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
