Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
