I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
