He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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