he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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