man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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