my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I did not marry a roomba.
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