I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Dick very happy bro
Fuck me I smell like cheese
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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