i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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