he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
