i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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