dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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