just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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