Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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