i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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