i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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