Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
