clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
