No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
