Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
