Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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