I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
