When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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