I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
