i already hear my dad disowning me
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
