whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
