Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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