Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
