I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
