Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Randomize
