I'm gonna have a badass scar
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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