He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
