Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
