your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
