You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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