I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
