just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
