I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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