So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
